Ever since the UK government imposed a coronaviruslockdown, many of us have been surprised to discover that its the little things not the extravagant or the particularly earth-shattering that weve missed the most. The Independent lifestyle desks new essay series, Life After Lockdown, is an ode to everything we took for granted in the pre-Covid world and the things we cant wait to do once again when normality eventually resumes.
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The thing I miss most in lockdown might be your worst nightmare. Exercise classes are supposed to be a chore. Something you drag yourself to before work, or get coerced into on a Sunday morning by an overzealous friend wearing T-shirts that say gym before gin. Theyre not supposed to be fun and they rarely are. But theyre the very thing I need most right now.
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Before you write me off as a spoilt millennial who finds herself adrift without her organic green juice and somewhere to take a selfie in her new Lululemon leggings, let me explain. I exercise a lot. Its not because Im obsessed with my body, or because I want to mould it into a certain shape. I just like to move it. And crucially, challenge it. That last bit is harder to do when youre alone in your bedroom, using soup cans for weights and listening to your housemates third Zoom meeting of the day take place next door. It also doesnt help when, if you find yourself flagging in the midst of a 30-minute Instagram Live, you remember that theres a fridge, a bed, and Netflix just metres away.
In an exercise class, its easy to push yourself. Not only because you are literally paying for it, so theres financial incentive to make it worth your while, but you are surrounded by people doing exactly the same thing as you. And considering that most fitness studios impose a ban on mobile phones, there are fewer distractions, too. Then theres the pressure of a trainer yelling instructions at you. Five push-ups, then six burpees, now seven deadlifts! Go! Go! Go! If you dont follow them, you might be called out. That would be embarrassing. So you keep going. The music is loud. It pulses through your bloodstream and makes you feel invincible. You hear lyrics like lose yourself and then you do.
No matter how stressful my day, everything melts away after Ive been to an exercise class. Spinning is my favourite it feels like dancing on a bike though when I have the money, Ill go to Barrys Bootcamp, notoriously one of the toughest workout classes in London. But Id take anything right now. A group HIIT workout. A weights class. An abs blaster. Id even try Zumba, though my hips are stiff as a board.
In England you can now exercise in groups of six outside. But finding five friends who live within walking distance and want to workout at the exact same time you do is no mean feat. And so the exercise I am doing in lockdown mostly yoga and a bit of running, is not at all the same as before. Nor is it having the same effect, which is the important bit.
And so its about now that I should explain the reason I exercise so much has nothing to do with my body and everything to do with my mind. You see, I suffer from panic attacks. Bad ones. They started a few years ago for reasons I wont go into here. Lets just say that hyperventilating on the tube suddenly became the norm, as did doing breathing exercises in public toilets and crying behind sunglasses hoping nobody could tell. Therapy didnt help, and while friends listened and offered support, I often found myself pushing them away in fear they wouldnt get it.
The reason I exercise so much has nothing to do with my body and everything to do with my mind
The thing that saved me was exercise. I had put some money aside over the years and used it to sign up to as many classes as I could. It veered on obsessive at times with occasional bouts of 10 days of exercise and no rest but it exhilarated me. Crucially, putting myself through the toughest and most strenuous workouts in a room full of total strangers gave me something else to think about for an hour. Maybe they were there for the same reasons I was, maybe they just wanted something to post about on Instagram. Whatever their reason, for the short period of time that we were all in that studio together, I felt like part of a team, and that I wasnt so alone anymore. Then there were the benefits of the endorphins, which, after every class, made it feel like someone had flushed the toilet on my clogged-up mind. Everything was clearer, cleaner, better.
My mental health had been pretty good before March this year. Id been on holiday, had just received some exciting career news, and was about to move in with friends for the first time since university. Then lockdown hit and eventually, so did the panic attacks. The anxieties I have now are different from before, but the symptoms are all the same.
I know Im not the only one dealing with this. Since lockdown started, much has been written about how the isolation has triggered peoples anxiety and depression so perhaps theres comfort in that; a new kind of team separated by screens and postcodes. Like a lot of people, my mental health is a work in progress. And while the only way I know how to remedy my issues might no longer be an option, Ive found new ways to cope. Like meditating every day after work, and using mindfulness exercises to help control my breathing.
With social distancing measures in place for the indefinite future, I have no idea how long it will be until Im back in the gym, banishing my inner demons to the thrumming bass of a song Ive never heard of with people Ill likely never see again. Until then, Ill remember the feelings of camaraderie fondly, and look forward to being surrounded by people whose stories I dont know, but whose sweaty faces I really cant wait to see again some day.
Home>>Home>>The music is loud. It pulses through your bloodstream and makes you feel invincible. You hear lyrics like ‘lose yourself’ and then you do, writes Olivia Petter
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